Press for Human

I love online shopping. A world of goods are right at my fingertips and delivered to my door. But there’s another sharper side to that coin I discovered when I ordered a small futon online.

It arrived on schedule and I eagerly opened it up, read the directions and looked for the pieces to assemble. Except they were not included. So I looked all over the directions and finally found a customer service number.  

“Hello this is URF Furniture, how can I help you?” the friendly voice said.

“Yes, I have a question…” I asked, thinking it was a real person. Until I was cut off by the voice.   

“Press or say 1 for customer service, 2 for billing and 3 for sales. Para Espanol precino numero nueve.”

“No, I need to talk to someone about missing…”

Again, I the voice in the vacuum void demanded.

“Are you still there?”

“Yes. But I need to talk to someone…”

“Ok. Press 0 for operator.”

I pressed zero and finally thought I’d get to speak with a human being.

“This is the operator,” a different friendly voice said.  

“Great, finally, a person. I have a question…”

But I was interrupted by that ominous, faceless voice.

“Press or say 1 for customer service, 2 for billing and 3 for sales. Para Espanol precino numero nueve.”

So I pressed zero again, thinking maybe it didn’t take the first time.

“That menu is not available. Press or say 1 for customer service, 2 for billing and 3 for sales.”

In a desperate attempt to change my circumstances and reach a real person, I selected three for sales. Sales would have to be a real person, right?

“Hello Sales,” said a friendly male voice this time.  

“Yes, wonderful. I need some help with a missing….” I said confident that I was making progress, but then the same taunting voice resounded the same options.

“You have reached our sales department. Press 1 for customer service, 2 for billing.”

“Ugh!!” I cried in frustration.

“Are you still there? I did not get your selection.” It mocked.  

This was too much. I felt like I was pushing buttons that would lead me down the long and winding electronic road to madness. Didn’t Einstein say doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome was the sign of insanity. So I pressed a different number—one.

“Hello, customer service, billing.” Another friendly voice lulled me into a sense of hope.

“Great. Hi, I need some help…” I said, until…

“You have reached customer service. Your wait time is approximately 15 minutes. You are number 350 in our cue. If you can’t wait, press star to go back to the previous menu.”

“350! That will not take 15 minutes.”

So in a vain attempt, I pressed the star button and the voice said.

“If you would like customer service to call you back as soon as we are free, press 4.

“Yeah, you’ll get back to me when hell freezes over,” I said in frustration and pressed star again to go back to the previous menu.  

“Hello this is URF Furniture, how can I help you?” a pleasant voice answered.

“Yes, finally a human!” I said, but was thwarted again.  

“Press or say 1 for customer service, 2 for billing and 3 for sales.”

“Urgh!! What number do I press for human?” I screamed.

So I played my last card and pressed four for the call back.  

“Thank you. You will receive a call back in the next 48 to 72 hours. Goodbye.”

NO!!! That’s it. I tried to play fair, but I would not let the machine win. So I picked up the phone and dialed my credit card company.

“Hello, I want to report a fraudulent charge to my account.” I said.

That was my ace card. Let them try to collect their money from the mighty Visa. And I’ll hold their useless futon hostage until they finally call me back.

(c) Suzanne Rudd Hamilton 2023.